Read Between The Lines:
What Employers and Job Candidates are Really Saying

Here's a collection of terms found in many job ads regarding skills, qualifications, and personal traits. The following is a humorous look at the "true meaning" of what employers are really looking for, and what job candidates are really saying:

Employers:

COMPETITIVE SALARY
What it really means: "We remain competitive by paying less than our competitors."

JOIN OUR FAST-PACED COMPANY
What it really means: "We have no time to train you; you'll have to introduce yourself to your coworkers."

SEEKING ENTHUSIASTIC, FUN, HARD WORKING, PEOPLE.....
What it really means: "...who still live with their parents and won't mind our internship-level salaries."

CASUAL WORK ATMOSPHERE
What it really means: "We don't pay enough to expect that you'll dress up; well, a couple of the real daring guys wear earrings."

JOIN OUR DYNAMIC TEAM
What it really means: "We all listen to nutty motivational tapes."

A DRUG-FREE WORK ENVIRONMENT
What it really means: "We booze it up at company parties."

MUST BE DEADLINE ORIENTED
What it really means: "You'll be six months behind schedule on your first day."

SOME OVERTIME REQUIRED
What it really means: "Some time each night and some time each weekend."

DUTIES WILL VARY
What it really means: "Anyone in the office can boss you around."

MUST HAVE AN EYE FOR DETAIL
What it really means: " We have no quality control."

COLLEGE DEGREE PREFERRED
What it really means: "Unless you wasted those four years studying something useless like philosophy, history, or religion."

APPLY IN PERSON
What it really means: "If you're old or ugly you'll be told the position has been filled."

NO PHONE CALLS PLEASE
What it really means: "We've filled the job; our request for resumes is just a legal formality."

SEEKING CANDIDATES WITH A WIDE VARIETY OF EXPERIENCE
What it really means: "You'll need it to replace the three people who just left."

PROBLEM-SOLVING SKILLS A MUST
What it really means: "You're walking into a company in perpetual chaos."

REQUIRES TEAM LEADERSHIP SKILLS
What it really means: "You'll have the responsibilities of a manager, without the pay or respect."

GOOD COMMUNICATION SKILLS
What it really means: "Management communicates, you listen, figure out what they want, and get it done."

CAREER-MINDED
What it really means: "Female Applicants must must be childless (and remain that way)."

Job Candidates:

I'M EXTREMELY ADEPT AT ALL MANNER OF OFFICE ORGANIZATION
What it really means: "I've used Microsoft Office."

I'M HONEST, HARD-WORKING AND DEPENDABLE
What it really means: "I pilfer office supplies."

MY PERTINENT WORK EXPERIENCE INCLUDES...
What it really means: "I hope you don't ask me about all the McJobs I've had."

I TAKE PRIDE IN MY WORK
What it really means: "I blame others for my mistakes."

I'M PERSONABLE
What it really means: "I give lots of unsolicited personal advice from co-workers."

I'M EXTREMELY PROFESSIONAL
What it really means: "I carry a Day-Timer."

I AM ADAPTABLE
What it really means: "I've changed jobs a lot."

I AM ON THE GO
What it really means: "I'm never at my desk."

I'M HIGHLY MOTIVATED TO SUCCEED
What it really means: "The minute I find a better job, I'm outta there."

I LOOK FORWARD TO HEARING FROM YOU SOON
What it really means: "Like, I'm gonna hold my breath waiting for your form letter thanking me "for my interest" and wishing me "luck in my future career."